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Mean Santa's Workshop

SANTA'S LIST

Bad Biker Posing As Santa Is Really Pushing His Luck

Good Partying Ethics Will Not Result In Toys

You May Get Votes, But What You Will Not Get Are Toys

No Toys Fo' Shizzle

Tattletales Tell Tales Of Toyless Terror

N-W-O-T: N------s With Out Toys

Show The Goodies, Spare The Toys

...And No Toys For Anyone Who BUYS The Book Either

Jolly... My Ass T-Shirt

No Toys For Drunks Who Lie With Stupidity



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Santa's Helper

I am Santa. Santa does not understand this newfangled R.S.S., but the elves tell him it is important.

ARCHIVES

October 2006
November 2006
December 2006


I am Santa. Santa believes he has an illustrated book in him. There may be toys for those who help Santa (presuming Santa finds no other, hidden, moral defects). Contact Santa's helper at the link above for information.

No toys for John Michael Barton

I am Santa. Of all the many offenses committed by puny mortals, there is perhaps none more reprehensible than being naughty whilst pretending to be Santa. Everyone knows that Santa is the spirit of good and righteous vengeance in this metaphorically (and sometimes literally) feces-smeared world. Santa's good name must not be impugned. NO TOYS FOR YOU!

Posted by Santa, 12/19/2006
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No toys for Paris Hilton

I am Santa. Santa does not know the etymology of the phrase "partying ethics." He presumes it is something that came to Ms. Hilton in a moment of satori stimulated by the feeling of a cool breeze on her uncovered private parts. At any rate, Santa is unconvinced that pole dancing lessons are a reasonable indulgence for the mother of a three-month-old child, although Santa will grudgingly concede that it takes a certain kind of determination to so enthusiastically exercise parts which Santa presumes must still be sore. Returning to Ms. Hilton, however, Santa will state the obvious: No toys for you! It has come to Santa's attention that Ms. Hilton allegedly did not write the Web posting in question. Puny Hoaxster -- Santa has ways of finding you. Magical ways. No toys for you! And no toys for Paris Hilton anyway! Santa knows she has it coming.

Posted by Santa, 12/13/2006
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No toys for William Jefferson

I am Santa. The only thing Santa dislikes more than a corrupt politician is a corrupt politician who gets away with it. Do not for a moment think that Santa is as gullible as your puny human voters. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 12/11/2006
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No toys for Andy Dick

I am Santa. Santa has a riddle for you. Question: What is worse than an unfunny racist? Answer: A derivative unfunny racist. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 12/06/2006
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No toys for Ojani Noa

I am Santa. Writing a memoir is a wonderful thing when one has actually done something with one's life. When the purpose of one's memoir is to make money so as to avoid having to do anything with one's life, at the expense of someone who HAS done something with their life (however banal that something may be), well, that is simply naughty. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 12/02/2006
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No toys for Michael Richards

I am Santa. When Santa encounters adversity, Santa does not respond with a string of racial epithets. Santa just sucks it up. What is so difficult about this concept? No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 12/02/2006
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No toys for Brittany Spears

I am Santa. There is a qualitative difference between displaying one's nether regions for the joy of it and cynically presenting for the publicity. Rest assured, Santa knows the difference. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 12/02/2006
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No toys for O.J. Simpson

I am Santa. Santa is not normally inclined toward exclamatory professions, but in this case, Santa feels compelled to say -- OH, GOOD GOD, NO! Santa cannot imagine the reasoning behind writing a hypothetical account of how one might have committed a horrific murder when the vast majority of people in the world believe that one did in fact commit said horrific murder. Just when Santa thinks the world cannot become any more sordid or obscene, Santa is proven wrong. NO TOYS FOR YOU!!!

Posted by Santa, 11/15/2006
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Posted by Santa, 11/15/2006
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No toys for Axl Rose

I am Santa. Whilst Santa enjoys an occasional nip to take the edge off plaintive holiday season whining of greedy children, Santa does not approve of those who require alcohol in order to perform their jobs. Santa has been made to understand that Guns N' Roses canceled a concert in Maine because they were not permitted to drink on stage. In a letter to Santa, Mr. Rose explained that to proceed with the concert would "jeopardize the safety of the fans, the crews, the bands and myself as a result of the methods of these particularly draconian authorities." If there is one thing Santa hates more than a liar, it is an idiot liar. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 11/11/2006
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No toys for John Doe 1 and 2

I am Santa. The only thing worse than being a drunken racist is being a drunken racist who blames others for spotlighting one's own deficiencies. A running camera is a running camera. It does not take an advanced degree, in Santa's opinion, to realize that one is being filmed. At any rate, Santa does not need a major motion picture release to assist his verdict. You cannot hide from Santa by filing as "John Doe." Santa sees all. Even without the movie, Santa knew there would be... No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 11/11/2006
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No toys for Faith Hill

I am Santa. Santa does not like bad sports. Even when Santa finds them extremely unintentionally amusing. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 11/10/2006
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No toys for George W. Bush

I am Santa. Fibbing is naughty. Multiple fibbing is exponentially more naughty. Thus, for oh-so-many reasons, certain presidents of certain nations are most definitely on the "naughty" list. While it seems superfluous to bother naming any one incident, Santa was struck by the particular gall involved in lying, admitting the lie one week later, then denying admitting the lie five minutes after that. After six years of ever-more-whopping lies, Santa feels this one is most insulting to Santa's intelligence, and frankly, the laziest lie yet. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 11/09/2006
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No toys for John Kerry

I am Santa. Santa could not conceivably care less about a "botched joke." There are other persons in politics with bigger foot-in-mouth problems, and Santa knows you know what Santa is talking about. However, what Santa can't understand is why a political party poised for massive victory and only vulnerable to empty sloganeering about how it will "cut and run" thinks it can afford to walk away from a fight one week before the election. If you are intimidated by a pansified boys' club of loudmouths, liars, draft dodgers, drug addicts, crooks and child molesters, perhaps you deserve what is coming to you. Or rather, what is not coming to you. Which would be toys. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 11/01/2006
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No toys for Rush Limbaugh

I am Santa. It comes as no surprise to Santa that Rush is on the naughty list again, however Santa admits to being impressed that the man keeps finding new ways to push his luck. It is not nice to make fun of people for being sick. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 10/27/2006
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No toys for Foxy Brown

I am Santa. Fingernails are not worth getting upset about. They can be painted over or cut off. They grow back. Certainly they are not grounds for assault. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 10/24/2006
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No toys for Michael Patrick McPhail

I am Santa. Santa is deeply saddened and a little surprised that Santa has to say this, but: Please do not do bad things to dogs. Or there will be... No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 10/22/2006
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No toys for Tan D. Nguyen

I am Santa. Harassing legal immigrants to stop them from voting is not nice. Especially when you are yourself an immigrant. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 10/19/2006
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No toys for Steve Wynn

I am Santa. It is not polite to point. It is especially not nice to point a hole through a priceless Picasso painting. Santa realizes that casino tycoons have plenty of money to buy their own toys, but it is the principle of the thing. No toys for you!

Posted by Santa, 10/18/2006
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No toys for Mike Tyson

I am Santa. Santa most emphatically does not approve of hitting girls. Nor does Santa approve of false contrition. "I'm not going to smash anybody. I'm not going to talk about smashing anybody's brains. You're not going to see that guy no more." But what baffles Santa more than anything is the fact that a political candidate could be so desperate as to accept the endorsement of a convicted rapist with cannabilistic tendencies. No toys for either of you!

Posted by Santa, 10/17/2006
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This is www.MeanSanta.com

STATEMENT OF PRINCIPLES

Santa knows what you did.

So spare the denials.

You've been very bad.

It's all in the files.

He knows when you've been sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

He knows who you've been sleeping with.

Have some self-respect, for God's sake!

All the schmucks down in Shmuckville get quite sentimental,

But Santa thinks your problem's more existential.

You're pampered and needy. Your job's in a rut.

You're using the Internet mainly for smut.

Your mouth is wide open. Your eyes are glued shut.

You're searching for something. "Boo hoo, don't know what."

You know, Santa is thinking you won't make the cut.

See, Santa's decided, and bear with him here,

That Christmas should be more selective this year.

Naughtiness reigns, so here's what we'll do.

Santa will judge. And it's... NO TOYS FOR YOU!


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